FUCKING ASSHOLES DON'T GET IT:
How to tell if you or someone you know is a piece of shit.
By Gregory Mantooth
http://truespies.org/mantooth/
Reprinted without permission from MRR#298
THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR TEST:
Say you're at a party. Everyone's having a good time. You may or may not have had a few beers in you (although this is not a requirement for the test, simply an extenuation of the "good time" aspect). But you begin to get a little paranoid. "How do I know that these people aren't really assholes? Aren't really
out to get me?" you ask yourself. These questions scratch at your brain so incessantly that you swear you'll break a bottle over some potential choad's face, jump out the window, or both.
But it doesn't have to come to that. The acoustic guitar is one of the best signs that you are in the midst of at least one extreme dickhead. If you can find a guitar in the house, place it in the middle of that crowded room. The first person to walk over to it and start strumming along is most likely the biggest douchebag at the party. And if people start cheering him on, feel free to lose your fucking mind and brutalize as many people while exiting through the living-room window.
There are a few things in this world that make me more nauseous than the sound of the acoustic guitar. It conjures deep repressed memories in my psyche, memories that are far too banal for me to face. Regardless, the acoustic guitar seems to be one of the main instruments for bringing most people's inner asshole to the foreground. I can only imagine their thought processes.
"Oh, woah, a fuckin' acoustic guitar! Holy shit! I'm fuckin' Neil Young! I'm motherfuckin' Willy Nelson! Fuck yeah! I'm never going to put this fuckin' thing down ever again! The wood fibers have fused with my palm! Me and this guitar are together
forever!"
Oh yes, and I've heard the "electric guitars are, like, destroying the environment and exploiting people. Only with the acoustic guitar can we truly express ourselves outside the system." Noble sentiments for sure, but I'm willing to bet your persistence on strumming away at that thing is linked more with OCD and a wet dream involving you and Woody Guthrie. Sorry- for all your crooned rhetoric and generalizations and sentimentality, you do not resemble Woody Guthrie in any way. You always sound like that sweaty goon at church singing Kumbaya trying to lure the young to Jesus like the Pied Piper.
THE "I'M A NOISE ARTIST" TEST:
This time you're on a crowded bus and someone sitting across from you notices the pins on your jacket. This person will always point at them and say "cool band." Never will they actually say what band is on your pin. Beware, these people are like fucking born-again Christians and will use any means to start up a conversation with you. Before you can even say "uh, thanks" or ignore them, they will quickly segue into how they're in a band, but not really. "It's more, like, ambient noise stuff."
At this point you know you've been ensnared by an asshole. They will talk at you about how fuckin' sick their ring modulation is, how they circuit-bended some bullshit they pulled out of a dumpster, and how you should check out their MySpace. Somewhere in there they will talk about how they "used to be into that punk stuff, but it got old blah blah No Fun Fest blah blah Whitehouse blah blah blah Bastard who?"
Simply put- these Newjack Noise kids are no different than Christians or Army Recruiters who want to indoctrinate you into their cult of bullshit.
THE RON PAUL TEST:
Motherfuck every dickhead who supports this jiggling sack of black, oily diarrhea.
